Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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