She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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