I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
