I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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