Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So much rum. So many feels.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
