The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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