these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
