i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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