It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
