Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
