Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
