There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
