I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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