two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she pinky promised me she was 18
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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