Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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