We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
