I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
