seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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