my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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