Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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