she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
