So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
