You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
