We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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