So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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