If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
