He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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