I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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