Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
