So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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