Ambien. No doubt about it.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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