Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
