I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
