You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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