Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
