My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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