Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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