At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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