I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
