you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
