i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i drank out of a bidet.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
