I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
