My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
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How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.