I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed