Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
