Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
