I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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