it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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