dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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