Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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