Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
