My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
