I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
