the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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