i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
